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Dear Gardeners with a sense of humor,

Having recently survived (barely) an upgrade of the Windows 10 software on my home PC, I began to wonder what might happen if Microsoft decided to go into the gardening business:

  • 97 percent of all flowers, shrubs, trees, fertilizers, trowels, rakes, hoes, spades, lawn mowers, tillers, hoses, sprinklers, pots, fountains, patio blocks, landscape timbers, stepping-stones, garden gnomes, and pink flamingos would be sold (or licensed) by them.
  • The other three percent of gardening stuff would look really cool but cost twice as much.
  • A Microsoft rake would work on leaves from their trees, only.
  • Whenever you planted a new Microsoft shrub, two other shrubs that had been thriving would suddenly die.
  • Their vines more than two years old would no longer be supported by their trellises.
  • Plants would be called “software” and tools would be called “hardware.” Problems would be called “user error.”
  • Before you could turn off a Microsoft string trimmer you would be asked, “Are you sure?”
  • You could not divide their perennial without violating copyright laws.
  • You couldn’t purchase Microsoft grass seed without also purchasing 20 pounds of their lawn fertilizer.
  • All-America Selections for 2016 would come out in 2019.
  • There would be a brand new name at the bottom of this letter.

Bill G.

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